When all else fails, move forward.

I've been moaning about feeling lost and stagnant, and how there are a million problems in my life, and boring you all to death. My sincere apologies about this, since you don't deserve to be dragged down by my negativity.

Good news on that front though. I think I've narrowed down my issue to be my current job. I really enjoy the day to day work as a court reporter, but I hate having the work looming over me at night, and I have been saying "I have so much free time" but really I don't because I spend all my time feeling paralyzed by the mountain of work waiting for me, and so I get nothing done.

I started working at Chapters part time, just for a change of scenery, and while I'm quite tired from the extra hours, I feel like I'm hitting a stride by being out of the office a little more. I've also been farming out a great deal of my typing because I really don't enjoy doing it, but I don't mind proofing.

I have applied for a few different jobs in hopes that I can find something at which I can make enough money to only take cases one or two days a week, and afford to go to school

About five years ago I took a program in Culinary Management at Fleming College, and failed one class. That one class has been hanging out on my transcript as a failed course and preventing me from graduating all this time and I've done nothing about it. Well, no more. I've registered for a course in Macroeconomics so that I can finish that diploma and get it off my mind.

I would have liked to re-take Contemporary Management Skills so that the failed grade would be off of my transcript, but unfortunately it isn't offered online and I don't want to traipse all the way out to Fleming in Peterborough for one class.

After that, I'm thinking that I'm going to start taking courses in Criminal Psychology through Centennial / Ontariolearn.com . It is a seven course program that results in a certificate. The courses seem pretty awesome, and I'm kind of excited.

CRIMINAL PSYCHOLOGY - PSYCHOPATHIC MINDS

CRIMINAL PSYCHOLOGY II - CRIMINAL MINDS

SEXUAL VIOLENCE

DOMESTIC AND WORKPLACE VIOLENCE

CULTS AND TERRORISM

CO DEPENDENCY AS AN ADDICTION

PRINCIPLES OF HUMAN BEHAVIOUR

I've also satisfied my inner shopaholic and crafter extraordinaire by going on a wild E-bay shopping spree and buying a whole whack of wool and yarn while the Canadian dollar is so high. It's nearly on par and thus compensates for the shipping charges I'm paying. That means that I have lots of wool in stock to knit some more products for my Etsy store to help me recoup the cost of the wool.

By the way, does anyone have a ball-winder they want to loan me? I hate manually winding wool from skeins into balls, but it has become an necessity since all the pretty wool seems to come in skeins because the knitting gods hate me.

In advance of a new season

I am my mother's daughter in so many ways. This is something I come to realize more and more with every passing year, and while as a child I would have shuddered at the thought, it's something that now makes me smile quietly to myself.

What makes me realize this today is the fact that I spent last night baking. It got colder out at night in the past week and it has given me an overwhelming urge to start exercising every home-economics muscle in my body. I have a running list in my head of things to do including tidying the house, starting some fall baking, and getting organized for Christmas knitting projects.

That's right. I'm that girl. I have a list of people who I need to have presents for during the holidays, and I really do prefer to give everyone something hand made whenever possible.

This year everyone is getting a couple of these amazing grocery totes because the plastic bag has gone the way of the dinosaur.

They're not hard to make, I'm told they whip up in no time, and they're exceptionally practical because they scrunch up to fit in your purse, while still holding more than you could lift.

The other thing that people are getting this year is a stack of books. I've decided that people don't really need more "stuff" and that books are something that everyone can enjoy.

I've decided that I'm going to farm out any case that needs typing that is more than 2 hours long, because I find that length to be about the max that I can handle before it becomes absolutely paralyzing to tackle. This decision will cost me some on my income, but with a part-time job on the side, I would rather have this boundary, than the stress that I feel when I have a 5 hour case staring me down.

This also means that I'll have more time to do the stuff that I enjoy, like knitting and baking and taking care of my house properly. I will often sit on the couch watching television absolutely overwhelmed by the typing that I have to deal with rather than starting and getting it out of the way. I don't like watching TV, and I hate the guilty feeling I have when I do it to avoid other things, but when I have a large case looming it just seems to suck me into a vortex of procrastination.

If I manage to get rid of this vortex, then I should actually have more time even though I'll be working more. Also, if I have a little more money, I have a sneaking suspicion that this fear of never having enough cash should resolve.

I'm actually feeling a lot better about my world in the past couple of days. I don't know what it is that's helping, but whatever it is, I'm grateful.

There is something to be said for the turning of the season.

Negative Nancy and Sally Sourpuss

While waiting for my case to start today I was having a conversation with my aunt. It went something like this:

Kate: Gah, the chair I'm in is horribly uncomfortable.
Loree: say something positive.
Kate: I'll be done early :) But what does that have to do with anything?
Loree: you're always so negative these days; if you say something positive, maybe you'll smile for a change.
Kate: I've been sick for two solid weeks, being cranky isn't unreasonable.
Loree: It's been much longer than that, Katie. Months!

Wait, what?

Generally, I try to be one of the most positive people I know. I'm not going to deny the fact that I have my moments where I can be a little sad, down even, but I always considered myself a pretty happy kid. I actually make a conscious effort to be upbeat and helpful, but perhaps that's the problem. Maybe I shouldn't have to make an effort. Maybe I'm supposed to be happy and helpful without trying.

So, why did this 60 second excerpt of conversation bug me?

After some thought, I think that it has a lot to do with the fact that the truth usually hurts.

I put up a pretty good front day to day, I really do try to at the very least, but I guess my cover has been slipping. Maybe I've been showing parts of my personality that I usually try to hide from the world.

The last few months, I really haven't been happy. It's not that I don't like my job, my dog, my life or anything like that; I just feel this overwhelming melancholy and indifference. I can't put my finger on it. I can't figure out what it is. I feel slightly restless.

What's bugging me then?

I'm lonely. I live in a city of several million people, and I know a small handful of people at work, who I don't see outside of work. I know the odd person in outlying areas, but I don't see them because I gave up my car and getting out there is a pain.

Besides that, I've been single for several years and got sick of it about a year ago. Self discovery is great, and all, but I really miss having someone to wake up next to. I miss having someone to cook for and to talk about my day with.

I'm sick of being seen as a "friend with benefits." I don't engage in this by choice, but I often find myself being seen in this light after starting a relationship, and things always seem to just drift this way. I don't get it. I don't understand why this happens. I am starting to wonder if there is some wisdom in that whole "buying the cow when you could get the milk for free" line that our grandmothers always use. I just don't think that I should have to give up sex at 25 years old in order to build a relationship. That seems so backwards.

I am curious as to whether this whole thing is just me not being happy in this city. I miss home a lot, but realistically I can't live up there and work in the city. Especially with this job, it just doesn't make any sense.

And last but not least I've been worried as heck about my financial status. I'm really terrible with money, like BAD. I try to get a handle on it, to get my head around it, to work out budgets and whatnot, but I just can't put it into practice. This is not a case of me being bad with math. I love math, math is my friend. I just can't seem to live it.

So, what am I going to be doing about it?

Well, if I can't spend less money, I'm gonna have to get more of it. So, I'm starting two additional jobs.

Hopefully I'm going to meet some people through these other jobs so that I'm not spending so much time alone.

I'm going to have to get a dog walker so that the dog isn't alone all the time, but the extra exercise will make her a lot more manageable, I'm sure.

I have no idea how to fix the rest of it. I'm kind of hoping that it will fall into line if I'm a little bit busier.

I hate that I'm putting out all this negativity. I loathe that this is a bitch-fest blog. I despise that people think that I'm so unhappy. It's not the kind of person that I want to be, really.

The things we don't talk about

As women we don't talk about a lot of things in our life. We dig deep, declare our broad shoulders, and cover up the things that we don't want the world to see. We discuss things that are only considered civilized, appropriate and polite, and this is our downfall.

I grew up in a family where there were things you just didn't discuss, such as money, religion and politics, but also a lot of things that maybe we should have talked about. I sometimes wonder if I would be a different person if we had talked about sex, about sexuality, about relationships with men, with food and body image. The amount of conscious effort that it takes for me to not focus solely on these things in day to day life is absolutely exhausting.

Please don't get me wrong. This isn't a pity party for myself, but for a society of women who hold it together despite the internal monologue that must be going through their heads. It can't be just me.

I know that some of us were raised with great body images, a healthy relationship with food, an understanding of relationships and sex and all of that, but I would be willing to place money on the fact that those are few and far between. I would bet that the greater majority of us appear to be solid as a rock, but that underneath all of that is a little girl, cowering in the corner and wondering what will become of us.

Behind all the professionalism that everyone sees, there is a girl who worries every day about ever calorie of food that crosses her lips to the point that in her twenties she develops a severe eating disorder, with no regard for the fact that the typical eating disorder appears in the teen years, because she feels so out of control. She feels like a failure every day that the scale climbs, or stays the same. She measures her worth by the size of her jeans.

Behind the soccer mom who is taking amazing care of her children, and holding the family together is a woman who is scared every day that she won't be able to satisfy her husband, and so she goes way beyond her comfort in bed with him, just to keep him from going somewhere else. She doesn't know that she has the right to say no when something makes her uncomfortable. She pretends that she loves it, just because she loves him, and when he goes to sleep, she has a shower to wash the dirty feeling off her.

Behind the lawyer in her power suit who takes command of the room as she enters is a woman who is showing a little cleavage to "keep the old boys in line" because no one ever told her that she doesn't have to use her body to get attention, and that attention doesn't equate to respect. She laughs and flirts and seems to love her job, but she goes home every night and works out for 3 hours because she is terrified that if she loses her looks, she's lost in this job and that she'll never move forward.

Now, I'm the first to admit that we can only blame how we were raised for our problems until a certain age. At some point, we become accountable as adults for our actions, however we, as women, do ourselves a great disservice by burying these issues. We don't talk about them with our best girlfriends, our mothers, or our daughters. We take a deep breath, put on a big smile, and take on the world with our best face forward.

I'm of the belief that if we talked about these things, if we knew we were all facing them, it would help us all to find greater peace. Maybe we wouldn't make the same mistakes the next time around. Perhaps we could help each other to be stronger, more confident, to know our limits and to feel better about ourselves in general. Maybe by knowing on a personal level that our sisters, mothers, daughters and friends face the same thing it would help us to all feel a little better and stop hurting ourselves, and subjecting ourselves to unnecessary hurt because we think that we're alone.

On Mistakes, Regret and Making Amends

We all make mistakes, true story. A few months ago, I made a really big one.

I have a close friend who I was involved with many, many moons ago. We've now known each other for about 10 years, and we are very close. We talk to each other most days, and make a point of doing so. We talk about everything and we're both exceptionally sexual people, and very open minded. There isn't much in this world we haven't discussed as a possibility and when either of us is considering something new, we bounce it off the other before heading off into the wilderness with our respective partners.

He came home from school in the spring, we hung out. We talked about his girlfriend who he was breaking up with, life, him moving home this summer, and everything that we've missed in each other's lives since we've not seen each other. We had a few drinks, cooked some ribs, had a few more drinks, a girlfriend of mine showed up, we had some more drinks.

<<>>

The three of us found ourselves in bed. This wasn't anyone's first rodeo in threesome arena, so no issues that way. We had a good time.

Suddenly, a moment of clarity. He misses her. He calls her. She loses her head. It all goes downhill from there. He spends the next hour fighting and making up with her while pacing around the yard and talking on his cell phone. I am violently ill from the vat of wine that I've consumed. The second girl was laying in bed whining about me not coming to cuddle with her (not my scene.)

He sleeps in the spare room. I sleep in my room. She goes home.

The next day, I get up, he wakes up and we have a very brief conversation about the events of the previous night, none of which are very clear to any of us, and then he high tails it home. We're all feeling a little sheepish about the night's events and about things getting out of hand. I decide to give it some time.

A few days later, I see him pop online for about 10 seconds before he disappears. Strange, but I don't think much of it. Then I go to his facebook page, but we're not linked on there anymore. It dawns on me. I've been cut, and it hurts.

We don't talk for a few months, but it has been weighing on my mind. I feel like shit because things got out of hand, and now I've lost someone who was such a huge part of my life.

I am really mad at myself, I resent him for how he handled it and I feel betrayed because I thought that we had more than one mistake.

Today, I had a really shitty day, one of those days when you need the people you lean on, and who lean on you around.

So I gave in. I reached out. I sent him a text. I called him out on how he handled it, made my apologies and identified that I didn't even know if he had moved home and changed his number and I might be too late.

I sent: I doubt that this is your number anymore, but if it is, I want you to know that the whole thing was stupid and that I didn't intend for that to happen. We're all equally responsible, but I'm sorry just the same. On the other hand, disappearing like you did solves nothing. I hope the rest of your semester went well.

I didn't hear anything for a couple of hours, and I was devastated. I thought that he might still be mad, or that I really had waited too long.

My phone chirps: I handled it badly, it was a huge dick move. She lost her mind and made me erase every trace of you. I'm moving home next week, and I'd like to work it out. I would hate to lose you. She's not worth it if it costs me our relationship, but I didn't know how to reach out. I'm glad you did. I'm sorry.

On a really hard day, I stood in a park and smiled.

Moral of the story: No mistake is too big, if you're willing to take a chance, reach out, and make amends.

Day 1

1. If I were to write down a complete account of my day how would I feel about the day's events and how I lived?
   

   Well, let's see. Today was my 25th birthday. I spent most of the day on the road, from St. George, NB headed towards Halifax, NS. I certainly didn't do a whole lot in the way of changing the world but I did convince the boys that perhaps just saying thank you is not enough and that we should send a thank you card to the people that we've been staying with for the past few days. I don't think that I'll convince the boys of that in the long term but a small gesture to show gratitude for the kindness that we have received will certainly not go astray and I'm sure it will mean something to the people who receive it.
   

   All and all I am at peace with the way I've lived my life today.
   

2. How did the way I lived today bring me closer to the kind of life I aspire to live?
   

   I think that today was a lesson in gratitude for me, personally. I always try to be thankful for the obvious things and I often do it without thinking because it is programmed so deeply into who I am thanks to my family, but conscious gratitude and thankfulness is a different thing. I think that there is something to be said for actually taking the time to be thankful for things that we say "thank you" for rather than just saying it and moving on.
   

   A big part of the reason that people don't send thank you notes or even emails much anymore is because we are grateful in the moment and once that moment has passed we don't give it any further thought. I'm going to make an effort to be consciously grateful, and to take the time to actually write thank you notes in the future.
   

3. What steps did I take today off the beaten path?
   

   When I was writing these questions I didn't really give any thought to how broad of a question this is, or how open to interpretation. I could rework it so that it was a little more specific, but what would be the fun in that?
   

   Today I discovered a small restaurant east of Sussex, NB. It was called Chummley's and it had the most delicious scallops I've ever tasted. We came across it on our way towards Halifax and had dinner there for my birthday. It was absolutely delightful and I am glad that we stumbled across it.
   

4. What made today extraordinary?
   

   Today was the first time I've ever been to Nova Scotia. Although we arrived after dark it is always amazing to be in a new place and to know that great experiences are coming your way.
   

   Today was my 25th birthday. More people remembered than I expected would, and that made me pretty happy. It's always nice to feel the love on your birthday.

Happy Birthday to Me - Making it memorable

So, when I started this blog I was committing to something. I wanted to live an extraordinary life. I intended to spend my 25th birthday in Kenya. I was going to see the entire world. I was going to find wonder and awe in every possible situation.

Status Check:

25th Birthday arrived this past midnight.

I am decidedly not in Kenya. I wasn't able to do the fundraising and decided to spend a little bit of extra money while on vacation in the United Kingdom, thus could not meet the deadlines. Truth be told, finally getting all the figures in and finding out that I would essentially be paying $10,000 to go and do aide work seemed a little unreasonable. I would still love to go to Africa, and I still intend to volunteer but I think that I'll have to do the two of those in two separate steps.

I have not been doing as much "rediscovering" of Toronto as I hoped, but I am making an effort to get out and see a little bit more of the city with Pauline wherever possible. I am presently out on the East Coast of Canada, in New Brunswick and headed for Nova Scotia tomorrow, so I am definitely connecting with Canada, if not my immediate local.

I've not been blogging, working out, eating right or seeing anyone.

I'm still doing a plethora of things that aren't any good for me, physically, mentally or spiritually. I'm struggling to keep up at work, I'm not managing money well, and I have a dog that I'm attempting to train, rather unsuccessfully.

The funny part about all of this is, I come off as fairly "together" type of girl, and I am well aware of this. When I talk about any of my random adventures or things that I'm doing it always catches people off guard. Truth be told, I'm so amazingly average that more people know my dog's name then know mine.

I want to live an extraordinary life, but I've gotten lost in the past few months. I would blame it on the upheaval but really that's only another excuse.

Perhaps it's time that I stop making excuse. Maybe it's time to take action. I'm already on the East Coast... what can I do to make it memorable?