On Being the Other Woman - Part 1, 2 and 3

At 3:06 a.m. on April 12th, I woke up in the bed of a married man.

I am the other woman.

I could explain to you how I got here, or justify why I'm still doing it, but that's not really the point.

What you need to know is this:

His significant other isn't an anonymous girl who he has been with for a few weeks, and who he'll eventually break up with. They've been together for years, since high school in fact, and they got married this fall. She isn't someone that I've never met. We had classes together, and we had some mutual friends. We were never particularly close, but I do know who she is, and I know a few of her relatives.

He and I have a history, as something that could have been, but that never really worked out.

I was in over my head with him back then, and I am now, as well. He pushes every boundary I have, physically, mentally and emotionally. I was in a bad place when he and I started talking, in a worse place when we started hanging out, and a year later, I'm in a fantastic place. He has played a huge part in that.

We hold no illusions of grandeur when it comes to the possibility of what we are becoming something more. I don't expect that he will leave his wife, and that we'll end up together behind a white picket fence, living happily ever after.

Do you think I'm a terrible person yet?

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I could tell you about things that have happened in my past. I could tell you about having a gun held to my head by a stranger, and being told that I wasn't walking out of the room, and how I felt nothing. I could tell you about being told my whole life that I will never have children and then finding out I was pregnant by losing the baby. I could tell you about being attacked by my best friend, and having to drive 17 hours home from another city, with him in the car afterwards.

I could tell you about the most terrible year of my life and why I am that girl who can't really be held accountable for her actions as a result, but that part would be bullshit. Please know that because I'm giving you back story, does not mean that I want you to erect a cross for me to crawl up on. My history is not an excuse.

Everyone goes through terrible things. It's in the dealing and the moving on that you find your metal. I know that I can take a better beating than most people can give, and still get up and walk away after.

So, why do I do this?

Well, because I'm selfish. He gives me something that I need. Never, not for one moment, has he accepted weakness as an excuse from me. He sets the bar perpetually higher and then tells me to jump.

I do this because I give him something that he desires more than his wife. He loves his wife, of this much I am sure, but I give him things that he would never ask of her. I'm an open minded person, willing to try anything twice, and he is a dominative sadist.

So, what does that really mean?

It means that when I go to see him I must remember my place, always. It means that occasionally I end up in tears, black and blue, and sometimes I'm covered in welts. It means that he believes that that is beautiful, and that my willingness to submit makes me stronger than him.

It means that we have a "safe word" and that I have the right to use it, he trusts that I will if I ever need to, and that I have only had to use it once.

It means that I trust him unconditionally.

It means that I put my life in his hands fully, completely and without question.

I suppose that I should really tell you where this all started...



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It began before I can remember. His family up the hill from my grandparents. I remember being a kid and driving past his house. His uncle once gave me a necklace, a big piece of tiger's eye. He told me to keep it always, because it would keep me safe. I never really knew him because of the age difference, so we'll skip ahead until Grade 9.

I was the classical awkward grade nine kid, as were all of my friends. Everyone spends those first couple of weeks trying to find their new home, and I landed firmly with the punk kids. I don't remember why I started talking to him, but I very slowly became aware of the fact that I had his attention.

The thing that sticks in my head is having a fantastic new pair of 14 hole Docs. If you've never worn them you'll not appreciate this but lacing and unlacing the traditional way, like your sneakers, is a pain. I fought with them for about two weeks before he finally stopped me and said, "You know, the boots are hot, but you're going to be so much happier if you take them off for half an hour and let me fix them up for you."

Shortly thereafter, I'm running to geography with my boots laced properly, white laces and no understanding of what that meant. We won't get into that whole discussion, but know that I didn’t understand, neither did he really, and when we both knew better we did better. 

My next vivid memory of him is in my Grade 10 music class. He had made it through to Grade 12 without an art credit, and so he needed one to graduate. I played the cello, and he decided to learn the bass. I remember him sitting behind me in orchestra, and wearing a dress one day. I remember him referring to it as my "jam-jar" dress because of the lace around the top edge. I was hugely embarrassed at the time , and being confused as to why I really cared what he thought. A month later he asked me to wear it again, and I did.

About a month after that we went to a concert as part of our live music appreciation requirement for our class. The teacher was a little concerned about the two of us going, she saw something that I didn't, I suppose.

My dad drove us, and J tried to convince me to skip out on it to go hang out, but ultimately I talked him into going to the show. I stood in front of him and danced with him, and realized I had his attention, yet again when I felt his hand slide around my waist. As my dad drove us home, with me in the back seat, I felt him slide his hand back from the front seat and wrap it around my ankle.

A few weeks later, just before my sixteenth birthday we hung out at his place. While I was getting ready to go over, I busted out a matching set of lingerie that I still can’t explain owning, the most "grown up" thing I could think of, knowing I was in over my head. I recall that he said he thought I would look fantastic in his jeans. He is 6'5" and about 225lbs or so. At the time, I was 5'10" and about 130 lbs. I put them on just for shits and giggles, and I absolutely swam in them. I threw on his belt as well and realized that the lace on my spankies was showing over top of the denim from the jeans. So did he. A little later that evening he kissed me for the first time.

We never slept together in high school. We never even dated, but if you ask him what he remembers, he'll tell you that there was a day that he walked up to me in the hall, picked me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist, and he kissed me. When he tells you this he'll get a look on his face and he'll tell you that he thought we would be like that forever. If you ask him, he'll tell you that he thought he would be waking up next to me for the rest of his life.

But there came a day, he went to kiss me in front of a teacher, and me, being the girl I was, I turned my head. In that moment, if you ask him, he'll tell you that his heart broke because he knew that the timing wasn't any good. I was still too young, and cared too much what people thought. I didn't know it at the time, but starting in that moment, he slipped away.

I didn't know I was missing a chance, I didn't know that there was a chance to be missed. The age difference had escaped my radar, and the next fall when I came back to school, he was gone.

I saw him one day, about five years later, in a Tim Horton's in our home town. He didn't even say hello. He looked at me and I saw a sadness cross his face. I didn't know how or where to start, so I just gave him half a smile and walked away.

It was a few weeks later, he added me to Facebook, and eventually after that he messaged me, and suddenly we were talking again like no time had elapsed, he was back in my world and I back in his. We were texting throughout the day, every day, talking at night, and in nearly constant contact. I moved to Thunder Bay, and then back to Oshawa. A year passed and we were still texting and talking constantly, but we never talked about his girlfriend, or whether he had one even. It just never came up.

We agreed to meet up one night when we were both up in our home town. It was quite late, about 11 p.m. I drove past his parents house and picked him up. He opened the car door and he looked happier than I had ever imagined he could. He got in the car and said, "Hello love, it's been too long."

And that was the beginning of the end...

Gym Etiquette

I forgot how great the gym feels, I really did. I can't believe I've been away this long and I'm so grateful that my foot has finally healed because I put some serious miles on the treadmill and elliptical today. I'm more relaxed than I have been in weeks.

I also forgot how ignorant people are at the gym.

I joined Extreme Fitness and because I'm on a corporate membership, I'm lucky enough to have an all access pass to all of their local facilities. So, since I'm working from home this week, I thought what the hell, and stopped in at the Pickering location. I walked in, got hassled about my North York membership, until I convinced them to just scan the card, and they saw that I should be there, but the kid was doing his job, so it's not really an issue.

After getting changed, and finding my bearings in the place, I happily located what I assumed to be the cardio area. I walked up on the platform, took a quick inventory and realized that the only thing available up there was a bike, which isn't really my thing, so I wandered off to have a little better look around and see if I could find the actual cardio studio. I went up a flight of stairs and BINGO! It was cardio heaven.

*Please note: I like to change cardio equipment a few times during my workout, because I get easily bored*

I hopped on an elliptical, did about 5 minutes and then realized that the woman next to me had the squeaky machine. There's always one. Ugh, fine. I turned up my headphones and carried on, and after she finished 10 minutes, she left, allowing me to enjoy another 15 minutes or so in peace.

GYM PEEVE #1:

She didn't wipe down the machine.

WHAT?!?!

I don't know about you, but I, personally, find that a little gross. Lady, you were just sweating all over that machine, there are droplets on the display, take the 20 seconds and sanitize that beast.

I finished my 30 minutes on the elliptical, and moved on, after the requisite wipe down of my equipment, to these fun new machines that they have that are sort of like skating.

GYM PEEVE #2:

When something is out of order, please tell the staff so that they can put a pretty little "out of order" sign on it. Us mere mortals don't have the power of the mechanical mind meld and as such, we are not able to look into that little computer brain and figure out what's wrong.

So, I ended up giving up on those, tipped off the trainer who immediately put on the sign and scampered off to the treadmill.

GYM PEEVE #3:

When the place is packed, please, Please, PLEASE do not just stand on the treadmill next to your friend while you're waiting for her to finish her lap. I would like to keep my heart rate up and so would the thousand other people around me, and your monopolizing the machine as your personal soap box while you rant about daytime drama on your favorite soap is just ignorant.

Finally, I get a treadmill, and I get to run! Oh, do I ever love a good run. I knock out about 45 minutes on the treadmill, and as the gym is quieting down, the treadmills on either side of me open up, and two guys, who are clearly friends, pick them up. I don't mind the eye candy, so I smile, and nod, but I also offer to switch treadmills so they can work out beside eachother. They decline, and I keep running.

GYM PEEVE #4:

I'm trying to work out. I have offered to switch treadmills with you, you declined, so please, have the courtesy to not shout across my treadmill, directly into my ear at your friend through the whole 20 minutes that you're beside me. I like to focus while I run, and you're killing my runner's high. Screw off.

After I finish up my time on the treadmill, I head over to the bikes to cool down, and am feeling pretty good. I was greatful as I got there that someone was leving though!

GYM PEEVE #5:

I know that we're all at the gym to get a little sweaty, but for the love of God, if you have been eating nothing but garlic or anything else that will seep out your pores could you please bust out a little body spray or something? Strong smells in the gym are bad, but strong body odor is worse, so do something about it.

Anyhow, I'm sure everyone has their own things that annoy them at the gym, these are just a few of mine, but they're mostly common courtesy stuff. I still felt great after my workout, so it must not have bothered me that much but I think I'll stick to the North York location where people seemed a little more civilized. Off to see the trainer tomorrow @ 5, can't wait!


 

So this is what they call a date…

I went on a lunch date yesterday, and I use the term loosely.

We met up at Yonge & Bloor subway station and after a game of phone tag to try and locate each other we walked around the underground mall there. I had never been there before so that was cool, but he kept saying he had no idea where we were. This should have been my first clue, as most malls are built in giant squares, as is this one. There is no real concern about getting lost, because it all comes back around.

Next we went outside, and headed off to find the Chapters, but he insisted that we were heading south, when really we were heading north. I don't really mind since I like to walk, and it wasn't that cold out so we walked north on Yonge for about 20 minutes. Just as I'm starting to get cold he suggested that we go into the Quail and Firkin for a beer, and I'm happy for the heat, so I agree.

At this point everything is still good, he's trying to discuss religion and faith, which is one of the three things that I was taught never to discuss. (Religion, Money, Politics) I figure I'm a big girl and can hold my own, so I let him go on, slide in a point or two and then change the subject. We sit down and he looks at the menu for about 10 minutes and then announces that nothing on the menu is catching his eye, but to go ahead if I want something. Obviously I'm not going to eat if he's not going to, so when the waitress comes back around, I assume that he will order a drink, but he says he's still deciding.

Weird, but okay.

After about another 10 minutes and the poor waitress coming around twice, I say to him, "You wanted a beer, right?" Finally, he orders a beer and I order a drink and we, and drink them, talking, a few awkward lulls in the conversation but we're virtual strangers so that's to be expected, and we seemed to be getting along fairly well. The bill arrives after we decline a second drink, or rather he declines for us.

Now here's where it gets weird.

He grabs the bill, and says, "I think I have $10 on me," and proceeds to rifle through his wallet.

He really only has $10 on him, I can see this because he's all but dumping his wallet on the table to pull out two $5 bills.

I offered to pick up the cheque, because I can see that it's $11.50, he has only $10, and I really don't mind picking up the bill, I'm going to offer at least and wouldn't be offended if he had accepted.

He says no, and asks if I have a twoonie.

…

I say, "I have a five."

He says, "No, just a twoonie."

I give in and pull out a twoonie and hand it to him and cringe internally because I know that he's only leaving the poor waitress a $0.50 'tip' but he won't let me leave the $5 bill,.

We walk back south on Yonge St, we get to the first subway station and I suggested we just ride north from there and then change trains at Bloor because it's cold out and I figure we'll save some time, he looks at me and says "Oh, I don't have change."

I assume that he means that he's thinking "I have a Metropass and I'm not sure whether you have tokens or what, so I'll wait till we get to Bloor and then we'll figure it out or it'll give me a way to make an escape."

Fine, I like walking, so I continue walking up to Yonge & Bloor station. We head back into the mall there and he announces he "has to pee" and asks if I know where the washroom is, so I go with him to the food court, I wait and we walk back to the subway. I find the token machine, because I need to pick some up for work anyways, and I buy some tokens. He stood behind me being shifty awkward while I did that.

Fine. Whatever.

And then, he looks at me as I'm about to walk through the gate and says, "Can I bum a token?"

Um, okay.

He then says, "I was planning on coffee, this is really embarrassing."

WHAT?!?

At this point, internally I'm peaking, but I'm not going to leave the boy standing at the gate so I hand him a token, and head down to the subway. He follows like a lost puppy and asks if I'm going east or west.

Me: East.

Him: My place is west.

Me: I'm still going east.

Him: Oh, okay. Well, it's been interesting.

Me: Yup, well, here's my train. Catch you later!

Who goes out on a date with $10 total in their pocket?

Who suggests a date knowing he's strapped for cash?

Who budgets for a coffee date and then suggests beer?

Who won't let the girl just pick up the tab when she offers?

Who "bum's a token"?

I just don't get it.

Leap of Faith

A Leap of Faith: An act or instance of accepting or trusting in something that cannot be readily seen or proven (dictionary.com)

Now, we're not discussing a leap of faith involving huge financial risk, or those that risk of life or limb.

For some people, taking a leap of faith is like rolling out of bed in the morning, it just happens naturally. These people have faith in humanity, faith in people's intention, and faith in their ability to recover from a disappointment if their leap of faith does not work out in their favour.

For others, a leap of faith is an exceptionally hard thing to commit to. They either can't accept the disappointment, have lost faith in people, or just don't want to take the chance.

At some point in your life you'll have to decide whether or not to take a leap of faith. You may not know it at the time and the moment might pass you by without you realizing the opportunity to take one, or you may decide to avoid it, but the problem with that decision is the missed opportunities, chances to really know people, to experience something new, or to find something out about yourself.

I think it really comes down to this:

To avoid a leap of faith is to do so out of fear of consequence. You gain nothing and lose what could have been an amazing opportunity.

To take a leap of faith is an act of good will. You risk little more than a bruised ego, and you have the opportunity to gain everything, and to greatly enrich your life.

So take a deep breath, decide if you're man, or mouse, and then jump.

New Year's Resolution ~ Dealing with returning home

It's funny, when I left for the UK I had read about post-vacation depression but I blew it off as one of those "not going to happen to me" things. Wrong!

Every traveller has a different name for the fallout of a great trip, so let me explain what it is.

Basically, post-vacation depression occurs when you go to a different city, country, or continent and experience a way of life that is completely different from your own. You see new sights, taste new foods and meet new people, essentially you experience this great little thing called culture.

And then you come back home.

The people are the same as you left, the city is the same, you go back to eating the same things you always did and hanging out at the same old haunts.

Home is nice, but you didn't realize how bright and sparkly the world could be until you were seeing something new for the first time in years.

I'll give you an example.

Remember when you got your driver's licence? Think about that first month. You were free! It was like being four years old again, when you got to see everything for the first time, and under your own power no less! Suddenly, riding in the back seat of your parent's car wasn't good enough anymore, you wanted to drive and anything less was a letdown.

Toronto, and my life here, suddenly feel like riding in the back seat.

I've barely travelled, eighteen days is not a long time to be out of Canada, but since I've gotten home everything just seems a little bit bland. Part of this is my own frustration that I came back to find it too cold and snowy to spend endless days wandering the city discovering new things, and laziness in pursuing adventures beyond my experience in Toronto.

This becomes a problem when I intend to continue travelling, I can't mope every time I come home, because that defeats this whole extraordinary life that I'm trying to live.

My solution to this situation basically is this:

I need to find awe and wonder in Toronto. I used to love this city. It used to make me feel alive, and I need to recapture that. I want to get lost in the city, to find something that I've never seen, to explore and be scared and try something new.

So, that's the goal. No weight loss resolutions here, I'm going to re-discover the city in which I live. I'm going to explore, adventure and enjoy Toronto between the many trips I intend to take in the next year.

If you want to join me, let me know.

Things I learned on the road...

So, after a few days to recuperate from my trip, I thought I would discuss some of the lessons I learned along the way.

1. Be flexible - Plans will change, flights will be delayed or missed, you'll meet people and want to stay an extra day somewhere. Develop the ability to just roll with it.
   
2. Book flights in advance - Flights are more expensive at the last minute through discount airlines like Ryanair, BMI and Aerlingus so if you want to book a cheap flight, do it in advance.
3. Book all other travel once you're at you destination - The Internet is a great resource, but it is not the be-all, end-all of travel information. A lot of the time you will be able to find cheaper transport by asking around, booking through the offices at the train station, etc. The people there are probably used to backpackers and are more than willing to help you out if you are willing to smile, be patient, and say thank you.
   
4. Do not take the night bus - A baby will cry all night, the person sitting beside you will snore or want to chat with you, the bus will be cold or break down. On the up-side, the night bus is usually cheap.
5. If you ARE taking the night bus pack earplugs and take a sedative - You will also want to book an extra day at your destination because you will lose at least one day to "bus-lag."
6. Trains are usually comparably priced to buses - For the couple of dollars difference, if you can afford it, take the train. It is much more comfortable, faster, and they don't hassle you about your luggage. If you can carry it onto the train under your own power, you can bring it. Buses sometimes have baggage limits.
7. Trust the hostel reviews online - This does not mean you are bound to only staying at hostels with 90% ratings, but when places are described as damp, dirty or cold you should probably at least take that into consideration. Location is not everything, so if you're on a tight budget, take a hostel with a less central location rather than damp, dirty or cold.
8. Hostel chains are a totally different experience than privately run hostels - Chains will generally be more organized, checkout times will be firm, they will have luggage store and usually free guided tours, pub crawls and recommendations for what to see and do. Privately run hostels are generally trying to build a reputation and are very eager to please, but because you're generally paying less, expect a little less in terms of amenities. I spent about half my time at each type and have likes and dislikes for both.
9. You are not required to see everything that everyone recommends - See what is going to make you happy, see family if there is any in the area, and catch a few of the major sites. It's your trip, so do it your way.
10. Do not book certain things into certain days unless an exhibit is closing - You will, without a doubt, meet some fellow travellers who want to hook up and see certain things and you might want to tag along. That's part of the experience, so do it. The London Tower has been there for a long time, it can wait until tomorrow, but your new friends might be moving on to another city tomorrow.
    
11. Pub crawls and having a few drinks is fun - flying, riding a train or bus, however, is not fun with a hangover, so keep that in mind. Also, different countries have different alcohol contents in their drinks, so the beer may be stronger or weaker than you are used to. I noticed in England, liquor is served in 35ml shots rather than 27ml shots at home. It doesn't sound like much but after a few drinks that adds up rather quickly. Keep that in mind.
    
12. Take lots of pictures - This means bring lots of batteries, and a few extra memory cards. They are generally expensive on location, and you don't want to run out just as you see the most amazing ________ ever. Also, always take photos at the highest quality your camera can produce. I would rather have 1000 excellent pictures than 10,000 pictures that can never be turned into prints.
    
13. Post some photos to a website while you're away - This lets everyone know that you're still alive, what sites you're seeing and that you're enjoying yourself. Some people like Facebook, but keep in mind that they then hold the rights to your photos and the quality will be greatly reduced.
14. Remember to eat reasonably - Yes, you're on vacation or backpacking or whatever. Yes there is lots of new food to try. This does not mean that you shouldn't eat a vegetable every now and again.
    
15. Some tours are worth going on - If you want to see a remote area and you have a limited amount of time, or if you're not sure how to get there, ask at the hostel. If they recommend a tour rather than trying to get out there on your own, there is a reason. Take the tour.
    
16. Not all tours are worth going on - If you are at a museum, site, in a castle, etc, it may be in your best interest to get the audio guide, or the book, rather than hooking up with a tour. You get to see the things you want to see, get some information, and if you want to stop and take photos etc then you won't have a thousand other people in your way.
    
17. It is cheap to travel once you are outside of North America - So book a longer trip than you normally would because once you're there you are not going to want to come home after 10 days.
    

That's all I've got time for just now but I'll update later.

London - Ireland - London - Tewkesbury - Edinburgh - London - Home

I landed in London on December 15th, and stayed a few days at Central Hostel in Bayswater, London. Everyone there is absolutely amazing, and I met TK who showed me around London and helped me get a handle on the transit system so I could survive on my own. Compared to public transit here, the TTC is archaic and down right brutal.

After a couple of quick days in London recovering from jet-lag I moved on to Dublin and spent some time there touring, seeing the sights, hanging out and eventually finding one hell of a party in a tiny little pub called Purty's Kitchen. It was a hell of a time and I didn't arrive home until the sun was up.

I then returned to London to meet up with Cake and we spent a few more days trucking around London, seeing some sights, having a couple of pints, eating some truly amazing food and discovering a multitude of cheap eats.

Cake and I then continued on to her sister's place in Tewkesbury and spent Christmas with her sister's family, enjoying an amazing meal and a few days of peace and quiet before moving on back on the road.

After Tewkesbury we adventured out to Cheltenham for a day of shopping maddness on Boxing Day and then I returned to London to kill a few hours before catching the night bus to Edinburgh. More on that later. I arrived in Edinburgh on the 28th, slept the entire day away and then spent the evening hanging out at Budget Backpackers Hostel with a guy from Oz, a girl from San Diego and another guy from Miami.

The next day I got up, and decided I had best take a look around Edinburgh before having to go back to London so I went and saw Edinburgh Castle which was really interesting and then moved on to the Tartan mills where I bought a scarf in my clan tartan. Called my Nana from Edinburgh and she was thrilled that I was there and glad I had taken the time to see Scotland.

The next morning I hopped on a bus back to London and spent one last night in Central Hostel. I stayed up too late talking to people who I had met earlier in my journey and then got up way too early to catch the train to the airport to head home. I really didn't want to get on that plane but decided missing it intentionally may be a bad idea, so I came home.

I have a tonne of posting to do as soon as I get a spare moment but right now I must go do the rounds and visit all the family I haven't seen in almost a month.