Breath

As it turns out, this foray into dating women isn't as easy and straightforward as I had hoped. I expected that it would be an easy transition because of my past. I thought it would go off without a hitch. The universe, however, has conspired against me and proven to me yet again, that I shouldn't walk through life with expectations.

I always seem to get caught up somewhere between what I want, and how to get there. Right now, in this moment, I want to date women. I have no interest in dating guys. 


What I'm struggling with is the fact that I feel like I need to learn a whole new set of rules, because I never really dated other girls. 

Actually, to be fair, I never really dated at all. I had a few good guy friends over the years that I was basically friends with benefits with, and the more I give it any sort of thought, the more I realize that there was no real connection with them on a relationship level. We were basically scratching an itch. The truth is, I have no idea how to date whether it is men or women. 

I'm left with all of these things that I wonder, and no real answers. I have been trying to express where I'm at, and have started four or five blog entries, but nothing is coming out coherant or cohesive right now. All I've got is a thousand questions in my head. I've come to a place where all I can do is express the questions and let them breath a little. 

I wonder whether what I'm actually having a hard time with is the fact that I want to have more with a girl then I've ever really wanted with a guy.


I wonder whether much of my past can be explained by the fact that I always liked girls, and never really explored that beyond occasionally sleeping with them. 


I wonder whether blaming my history and track record with guys on the fact that I should have been with women all along is a cop out.


I wonder whether that matters.


I wonder what kind of girls I like.


I wonder whether my family will really be as okay with all of this as I think they will, or whether it's wishful thinking on my part. 


I wonder why people blame my interest in women on the fact that I've had some very violent and negative experience with men in the past few years. This one upsets and frustrates me to no end.

I wonder why anyone who has known me since high school has a very "Yup, that makes sense." response, and anyone who has known me just within the last four or five years has a "Wait, wait... what? Didn't see that coming!" response. 

I wonder if I am really too old to be figuring this all out. 

I wonder why I feel like everyone will assume it is a phase, regardless of the fact that they don't seem to.

I wonder why I get so nervous going to the Village, and why it is so comfortable all at the same time.  


I wonder if all the insecurity that is coming to the surface right now has always been there, and whether addressing it and how I see myself will have as big of an impact on my life as everyone expects.


I wonder why I don't see myself the way other people see me, no matter how many times they tell me that my perception of myself is in-congruent with who and how I actually am.


I wonder how I will fit in the community, and if I will find my place in it as quickly as I'm told I will, or as slowly as I expect that I will.

I wonder why it's only taken about three weeks for my anxiety about going into the Village to go from an 11, all the way down to a 3.


I wonder whether the girl at the bar last night saw me too.


I wonder if I will be accepted because I'm discovering that I'm super girly.

I wonder whether my family already knows, and is just waiting for me to spit it out.

I wonder whether I'm bi or just straight up gay.  

I wonder why this feels like home, in a way that I can't even express.

I wonder if all of the change in my life in one moment is a good thing, and whether I'm strong enough.


I wonder why I always seem to have so many questions.


I wonder why I'm the kind of girl that needs to process.


I wonder whether what I write off as processing, is really just me making myself smaller, more socially acceptable, having my opinion conform to what people expect, and reconciling myself to being that person.

I wonder whether I should make a conscious effort to stop taking all this time to process, and start just living it and figuring it out as I go.


I wonder why I didn't figure this out before.

Life happens in its own time, and there is no convincing it otherwise.

I've not written in a while because I've been trying to process somethings, but since I'm failing so epically, I figure I'll just try to process publicly and see what happens.

I'm dating a girl.

Anyone who has known me for any lenght of time seems to be unsurprised by this.
It's freaking me out.

Apparently everyone around me knew way before I did that eventually I'd date a girl. I make no bones about the fact that I have a history with women, but I have never dated a girl.

In fact, I generally identify as straight. I like men, and have always considered women a side dish.  You may think that was just a stepping stone, or a ploy for the attention of men, however it was always great fun at the time, just not something that I expected to want full time.

We had been fantastic friends for about six months, and had a whole world of things in common. Suddenly, the "just friends" thing isn't working out.

She admits that she dated women in college, and I admit that I've had a few sexual relationships with women, but that's where it has ended. We continue for a few weeks more, and it gets more and more complicated. We're both acting awkward.

Finally, I invite her out for drinks for the gold medal women's hockey game, and we end the night sitting in a Starbucks having "the talk."  We decide to give it a go. We are both honest about our boundaries. Her family situation is an issue for her. The fact that I have always dated men, and don't think that I'll suddenly cease to be attracted to them is an issue for me, as is the fact that I don't do well in relationships. We think we can live with each other's issues.

So, I suddenly find myself in a relationship with a girl who's mom is totally non-supportive of the fact that she's gay. They live together. It's a little intense, but we're avoiding the issue and that's fine. We both work way too much and don't see a lot of each other, but things are good. I continue to struggle with this whole "transition" that I don't see as a transition, but like I said, things are good.

I haven't talked to my family about all of this yet because it's all so new, but I'm really lucky to have a family that has supported me through bigger and harder things, that is fairly liberal and who I'm confident will be quite okay with having a daughter who dates girls.

In fact, the person having the hardest time with all of this is me, which I suppose is logical. I mean, the person who I have identified as since the start of high school pretty much got turned on her head about a month ago, and tossed into a monogamous relationship. I struggle with relationships at the best of times.

I also have a huge problem with the fact that more than one person has tried to apply psychology to who I have been over the past 10 years, saying that I would only relate to men the way I have based on the fact that I was a huge closet case. I have had a few more friends say that this is to be expected after years of the experiences with men that I have had, and to almost blame this on the fact that I've been raped.

The thing is, I'm not broken. I really don't need you to justify this, to tell me why it happened, or to explain away either my past or present, with the other. I like who I like, and I don't know that it needs an explanation by you, psychology or even by me.


I talk to a few people at work about it, and all of a sudden there is this whole mini-community that I'm welcomed into with open arms. It's a little overwhelming because my expectations are sort of thrown out the window by those around me. No one expects me to be ready to jump into life in the gay-bourhood with both feet, and besides a casual invitation to PRIDE, and the suggestion to go out and meet a few people at some point, there's not any pressure.

So, I'm sort of working out this whole identity and trying to process that everything that is going on. I'm trying not to over-analyze everything (failing) and just roll with it for a while, but it is challenging. I'm struggling with it. I suppose that it is to be expected, because life isn't a sitcom where you just kiss a girl one day and suddenly your entire future is decided. I guess I'll just have to get used to that.

You've got to love it when life catches you unaware.