Spring Cleaning

Very few of you will ever see my apartment.
I am usually hesitant to let even good friends into my place unannounced and will cancel plans if I can’t get organized in time because my apartment is usually a mess. I am terrified by someone seeing the mess my house is in, and I’ve recently realized that my apartment is a reflection of my mental state.

Right now, my apartment is a total mess.

I don’t actually dislike cleaning, contrary to popular belief. I find it rather relaxing when I’m good and ready to do it, but I usually have to get into the right head space to work on it.

I tend to leave it until I have no further options, or when it affords me the opportunity to procrastinate on something that I enjoy less than cleaning. If my apartment is a reflection of my mentality, does anyone else see an issue?

There are times when my apartment is so bad that you’re not getting through the front door, even if you have a fire hose, and my kitchen is ablaze. This is generally a pretty good indicator of the fact that I’m trying to avoid dealing with something, and sometimes it can take a pretty long time for me to be prepared to deal with whatever it is, but I am more than willing to let you believe that this is because I’ve been working too much to take any sort of care of my place, but usually that’s a boldfaced lie.

It has a lot more to do with the fact that mentally I’m a mess. It means that I’m trying to work things out in my head, and either I’m under a fair bit of pressure, stressed, or otherwise trying to cope, and all my energy is tied up in that.

For the record, I hate it when my apartment is like this. It stresses me out more than most people could ever understand; only further compounding whatever stress I’m under until I have only two choices, of either shutting down completely, or bucking up and dealing with it.

Right now, I’m in the process of attempting to do some work on the apartment, and give it a look. I want to get it organized and actually decorated enough to look like a grown up apartment. It would be nice to have a place that actually looks like I’m not a college student.

This, of course, means that I have a lot of cleaning to do, but it’s the kind that lands you on your hands and knees for the better part of a day to make any sort of progress. This also means that it is the kind of cleaning that makes the mess worse, much worse, before it gets better and the scary part about the process is that it comes with addressing a lot of underlying stuff.

Here’s to spring cleaning!

Life happens in its own time, and there is no convincing it otherwise.

I've not written in a while because I've been trying to process somethings, but since I'm failing so epically, I figure I'll just try to process publicly and see what happens.

I'm dating a girl.

Anyone who has known me for any lenght of time seems to be unsurprised by this.
It's freaking me out.

Apparently everyone around me knew way before I did that eventually I'd date a girl. I make no bones about the fact that I have a history with women, but I have never dated a girl.

In fact, I generally identify as straight. I like men, and have always considered women a side dish.  You may think that was just a stepping stone, or a ploy for the attention of men, however it was always great fun at the time, just not something that I expected to want full time.

We had been fantastic friends for about six months, and had a whole world of things in common. Suddenly, the "just friends" thing isn't working out.

She admits that she dated women in college, and I admit that I've had a few sexual relationships with women, but that's where it has ended. We continue for a few weeks more, and it gets more and more complicated. We're both acting awkward.

Finally, I invite her out for drinks for the gold medal women's hockey game, and we end the night sitting in a Starbucks having "the talk."  We decide to give it a go. We are both honest about our boundaries. Her family situation is an issue for her. The fact that I have always dated men, and don't think that I'll suddenly cease to be attracted to them is an issue for me, as is the fact that I don't do well in relationships. We think we can live with each other's issues.

So, I suddenly find myself in a relationship with a girl who's mom is totally non-supportive of the fact that she's gay. They live together. It's a little intense, but we're avoiding the issue and that's fine. We both work way too much and don't see a lot of each other, but things are good. I continue to struggle with this whole "transition" that I don't see as a transition, but like I said, things are good.

I haven't talked to my family about all of this yet because it's all so new, but I'm really lucky to have a family that has supported me through bigger and harder things, that is fairly liberal and who I'm confident will be quite okay with having a daughter who dates girls.

In fact, the person having the hardest time with all of this is me, which I suppose is logical. I mean, the person who I have identified as since the start of high school pretty much got turned on her head about a month ago, and tossed into a monogamous relationship. I struggle with relationships at the best of times.

I also have a huge problem with the fact that more than one person has tried to apply psychology to who I have been over the past 10 years, saying that I would only relate to men the way I have based on the fact that I was a huge closet case. I have had a few more friends say that this is to be expected after years of the experiences with men that I have had, and to almost blame this on the fact that I've been raped.

The thing is, I'm not broken. I really don't need you to justify this, to tell me why it happened, or to explain away either my past or present, with the other. I like who I like, and I don't know that it needs an explanation by you, psychology or even by me.


I talk to a few people at work about it, and all of a sudden there is this whole mini-community that I'm welcomed into with open arms. It's a little overwhelming because my expectations are sort of thrown out the window by those around me. No one expects me to be ready to jump into life in the gay-bourhood with both feet, and besides a casual invitation to PRIDE, and the suggestion to go out and meet a few people at some point, there's not any pressure.

So, I'm sort of working out this whole identity and trying to process that everything that is going on. I'm trying not to over-analyze everything (failing) and just roll with it for a while, but it is challenging. I'm struggling with it. I suppose that it is to be expected, because life isn't a sitcom where you just kiss a girl one day and suddenly your entire future is decided. I guess I'll just have to get used to that.

You've got to love it when life catches you unaware.

Just a quick check in...

So, I've been swamped. I haven't had time to write in a while and I thought I'd drop in for a quick update.

I've registered for the CN Tower Climb for WWF-Canada. 144 flights of stairs. I'm training like a woman.

I've been doing a whole bunch of working out and have set up some challenges for myself, including several events this summer.  For the WWF CN Tower climb, it's a obviously a fundraiser for World Wildlife Foundation, and a great physical challenge. You should sponsor me!

Click here to sponsor me!

I'm trying to raise $150, which is 2x the minimum fundraising goal. If all of my readers gave up one Starbucks coffee, and sponsored me for $5, I'd blow that goal out of the water.





I've also signed up to do the Becel Ride for Heart in Toronto. It's 50km on the DVP, and it's in early June. I'm going to have a lot of work to do to get ready for this, and I'm still working on coming up with a plan. I'm really excited about it though. I'm considering starting out with a 25km bike ride, called Ride for the Rouge. It's a fundraiser for the Rouge Valley Conservation Centre. I know that they're all fundraisers, and that's a little frustrating, but it's the easiest way to find great events that I've found so far.

I'm going to try to find some events to sign up for towards the end of the summer, and really try to get set up to do the Half Moon in August adventure race in Alberta, and maybe RacetherockstAR in Muskoka in July.

And now that I'm looking at that schedule... this is crazy. I'm so excited.

Anyone up for the challenge?

Family dynamics and a matriarchal family

You're going to have to forgive me for my philosophical musings today. I woke up this morning and did yoga and it always puts me in a reflective state of mind.

I come from a family that I always considered to have a patriarchal structure while I was growing up, I had a great grandfather who everyone looked up to and went to for guidance. We all had and have a great deal of respect for him, and considered him to have set the bar to which we all should rise. 

Time passed, and he got very ill with Parkinson’s. Let me be the first to say that Parkinson’s is a dreadful disease, because it claims the body long before it takes the mind. It is a hard thing to watch, especially in a man who we all head in such high esteem. A little over five years ago, he passed away and suddenly Nana and Grumpy became just Nana. 

There have been a lot of things that have happened in the family that I'm grateful that he wasn't here to see, but there are also things that I think would have made him proud. I think he would have been pleased to see the women of my family suddenly rise to the occasion and take the reins of the family. I don't think he foresaw it, but I think it would have made him every bit as proud of us as we always were of him. 

A great example of this is my mom. I always had a lot of respect for her, even if we didn't see eye to eye when I was growing up. It took us a lot of years to find our common ground, and mostly it involved a whole lot of me realizing just how much alike we are. When I was younger, people would say to me "you certainly are your mother's daughter" and I would be absolutely gobsmacked. I would protest, and say that I wasn't the home making, housekeeping, two kids and a farm kind of girl.  Boy oh boy, was I ever wrong. 

She and I coming to common ground also involved a fair amount of her acknowledging that I am bound and determined to do just about everything the hard way, and that I need to learn my own lessons, and see the world through my own eyes. It's how I learn. It isn't a choice. Things got a lot better for her and I around the time that she realized that telling me something was hot wasn't going to be nearly as effective as just letting me touch it. 

Now that I'm a little older and have more perspective on the situation, I also see how much leadership she takes with our family. She is the first to make sure that my grandparents get everything they need, and provides a level headed sounding board for them on a fairly broad spectrum of issues, as she does for her sisters and children. I also see how much our relationship has impacted how she interacts with other members of our family. As it turns out, I'm not the only one who needs to make their own mistakes. As I watch her in her role with other family members, I see her let them fall every now and again, when she sees that it will be a more effective lesson. I don't know whether she does it consciously, or whether it has become part of her instinct, but it amazes me. Sometimes it takes so much more strength to let someone make mistakes than it does to try to protect them from everything. 

I am starting to see more and more how very like her I am. I really am my mother’s daughter, no matter how big of shoes I have to fill. I see the world from a similar perspective. I live a very different life than she does, but the older I get, the more I aspire to have the same kind of respect from the people around me, and to have a similar kind of life. While I don’t want to work the same job, and I hope to get there my own way, I hope that I can be as happy.

It is astounding to me that in the transition from patriarchal to matriarchal; suddenly my mother stepped up to the helm. It was unexpected, at least to me, but I feel truly blessed to have such a fantastic role model and mother.  I really believe that Grumpy would have been just as proud as we all are.

Apartment hunting and the reasons for it...

That's it. I've officially had it. My fire alarm has been going off at ungodly hours, my building manager is never available, and my rent is the next best thing to astronomical. $1000 a month doesn't sound so bad, but considering the amount that I'm actually home, I could quite easily adapt to something a little less expensive.

I'm attempting to find something new for May 1st or sooner.  While I know that I'm starting to work on this a little early, I need some time to get my head around the transition and what steps I need to take in order to have a move that goes off a little bit easier than the ones in the past. 

I'm also trying to make some decisions on what I'm looking for, and where because I know more more about the city than I did when I first moved into the GTA.  

My requirements are relatively simple:

1 bedroom
TTC Access very nearby, preferably within 10 minutes of a subway station
Pet friendly
<$700 a month


Now, you're all laughing at the  <$700 a month, I'm sure. Let me explain my theory on this one. I'm sure that we all realize that for less than $700 I'm going to end up in a basement apartment, and I'm fine with that. I want to live in something a little more affordable for a year, pay off all my debt and put away enough money for a down payment.  I want to buy a house, or at the very least be well on my way to it this time next year.  


Basically, the new year came around and I realized that I've been living a life of total chaos for the past five plus years, especially financially, and despite my economic klutzyness, I seem to have finally started to come out of the mess. I feel like I'm in a position where I can fix a lot of what has been so very wrong with my finances within about a year if I make a concerted effort, and some relativly minor changes, including moving to a place that I can more easily afford. I don't want to live somewhere where an entire bi-weekly pay deposit is eaten up by paying rent. It's not a comfortable position to be in, and so I'm looking to do something about it.



So, if you know of anything... you know where to find the comment button; right?

A little self analysis...

You know, sometimes what you say without thinking is the most telling thing.

While at work the other day, I stumbled into a huge mess of errors and miscommuication by the entire team, that had resulted in a problem. When I called the person who would be responsible for sorting it out, I started the conversation with, "You're not going to like me for this, but..."

Wait, what?

I didn't create the problem. I didn't ignore the problem, and let it get worse. I was actually almost finished resolving the problem, and just needed approval.

Beyond that, why would asking for help result in someone not liking me? Why would I assume that being the bearer of bad news would result in dislike or contempt?

Those who know me would probably say that I don't really care what people think, and that I'm very opinionated, but the fact is, I walk around day to day nervous that people won't like me based on my actions, opinions or beliefs, especially in a professional environment.

I really ought to work on that.

Reality check of the day: People will dislike you for ignoring the problem so that you don't have to be the bad guy. People don't dislike you because you are dealing with a problem and need their help.

Things that you would have learned this week if you were me...

Long time, no blog!

It's been a pretty intense couple of weeks. I have been working 40+ hours at one job, and 20+ at another. According to my math, that means that I've been averaging anywhere from 60-70 hours a week since I started the new job. You would think that this means that I don't have time to do much learning, and you're probably right, but these are just a few of the many discoveries you would have made if you were living my life this week:

1) You can do anything for a month or two, so long as there is an end in sight.

Working two jobs is positively exhausting, especially because I've been picking up extra hours at both in order to try to cover the expenses incurred while not working enough through most of the summer and fall, as well as the impending holidays. That being said, I'm pushing through and doing it with the best attitude possible with the knowledge that eventually I won't have to do this any more.

2) When people tell you the life you live is not conducive to a canine pet, they're probably right.

I love my dog and y'all know this, but so help me, if I didn't have a dog walker a couple of days a week, I would be screwed. She is a high energy dog and all of my energy is getting eaten up by the extra hours I've been working.

3) Good girlfriends are hard to find, but totally worth the wait!

It's funny, I've never been one to have girlfriends. I guess I've always just been a little course. That being said, I have unexpectedly found a couple of awesome girls who have crazy schedules like mine, who get that instead of spending a day mall-hopping or pub-crawling, maybe a night at home with some knitting and a movie is just the ticket.

These couple of girls are pretty amazing, both holding down 2 jobs or a job + school and some serious family commitments, and both come from backgrounds similar to mine, which means that we have a lot in common on all levels. None of us expected to find good friends at a part time job, but we did and for that I'm immensely grateful.

4) Most girl-on-girl hate and frustration comes from a lack of maturity.

Girls are talented when it comes to undermining the confidence of other women. Most of us are damaged in one way or another, and we recognize it in other women, and when dealing with each other it is really easy to make another girl feel about two inches tall using that small crack for leverage.

Women of a certain maturity level don't participate in this kind of behaviour, but some do, and it doesn't matter how grown up you are, when someone decides to play this kind of game, or use this kind of psychological-warfare-like tactic, it takes a strong woman to not fall victim to it.

5) As a society, we often fix things that aren't broken, and we should really stop it.

I'm all for progress, please don't get me wrong. I just think that certain things were fine the way they were. Sure, I could buy a sweater at a store, but then I've deprived someone I love (or myself) of the time to sit and knit (see: meditate) at the end of the day and make something truly beautiful. I've also deprived a LYS (Little Yarn Shop) of the business for the wool, and the artisan dyer as well. I'm really starting to be concerned about the global impact of these huge companies like Walmart and Target on not only the local economy, but also the creativity in our society.

Broad strokes here, folks. I'm really doing my best to hold my world together, but my perspective on the small things is changing in big ways, and it's forcing me to re-evaluate my focus. This whole extraordinary life thing... I'm working on it, but with that change in focus, comes a lot of reevaluation to be done, and changes to be made.

Patience. I think I need to work on patience.