The advice we give to others...

I'm a firm believer that the universe brings people into your life for a reason. The people you interact with are all there to teach you something, or to learn something from you, and most often, both.

I've had a lot of interesting conversations this weekend with people both new to my life, and old friends and the one thing that I'm taking away from it is that most often the advice that we give to other people reflects advice that we should probably listen to ourselves. It's scary how often I'll give advice or explain something to someone, and then have a light bulb moment about how I should have dealt with something.

This weekend I've learned:

While talking to my friend A about his girlfriend and how she felt about him having more sexual partners than she had, I explained to him that most of the time that becomes an issue when a girl is concerned that she won't be able to keep up, or that you'll ask her to do something outside of her comfort zone.

Further to that, I advised, he will have to watch out for her talking a big game in order to give the impression that she can keep up, and then not knowing how to back down from that if, in the moment, she is not actually comfortable with what's going on.

As I was sitting there telling him all of this, and it suddenly hit me. Holy shit. I've done this a lot of times. I've gotten myself into more than a few situations that I'd much rather not be in, and not known how to get out because I was scared of what the person I was with would think. Oh my god. I'm giving him the advice and warning him about something that I wish someone had have given me the heads up on.

While talking to L about people in her life and how to know who could be trusted, and who was playing the game, I realized I should watch how people behave with other people and then decide if that is how I want to be treated. If you would tell your friends not to befriend someone because they are playing games or are manipulative, why would you want to be friends with them yourself? Generally that type of behaviour is a systemic problem. I don't know why I let people in my life even though they aren't good to other people. It's so much easier to stand up for others than it is for one's self some times, but I need to work on doing both.

While talking with E, I realized that I need to be more aware of people in my personal life, and in my professional life, and the fact that I'm two totally different people in those two worlds. I suddenly understand that it is asking a lot of people to be able to reconcile the two because in my personal life I'm a lamb, and professionally I'm a lion. I tend to be very assertive and confident professionally; in fact I am quite aggressive. That works for me in the professional world, however when it trickles into my personal life, or when the submissiveness and compliance of my personal life trickles into my professional life, it can have a huge impact, which is rarely positive. I need to remember to keep the two separate, and to be more understanding when the differences between the two are hard to cope with.

While talking with H about her insecurity, we talked about how second guessing yourself all the time isn’t an attractive quality. You deserve the chance to be who you are, and you don't need to ask the permission of other people to take that chance. She was concerned about her tendency to wear her heart on her sleeve and wanted to know how to not feel like she needs to be so guarded all the time. I told her that wearing her heart on her sleeve isn't a bad thing, but a risk for sure. The thing is, sometimes it's worth the risk. I told her that most people don't walk through life with the sort of malice of intent that would cause them to purposely hurt her.

In a nut shell, I have learned:

It's important to be honest about how you feel about things, and to not make decisions based on fear.
It never hurts to observe how people treat others, and decide if that's someone you want in your life.
Keep your professional life and personal life separate, even when the two collide, or be understanding when people don't know how to reconcile that the two may not be the same person.
Be confident, and have faith in people. You don't need their permission to be who you are, and if you're at peace with who you are, they would never ask you to second guess it.

So, in short, next time I'm giving advice, I'm going to try to listen harder, because most of the time it applies to me too.

A long weekend...

You have to love a long weekend, it's always interesting whether you intend to just relax, or not.

Friday night I received a call from Alana to let me know that she wasn't going to be able to come down for the weekend. Her car crapped out and they weren't going to be able to do much with it until Wednesday.  This wouldn't be a big deal except that she was supposed to be coming with me to Cherrybomb on Saturday night. E was tied up with some friends in town for the long weekend, and she wasn't going to be around to take me, and I really wanted to go. In fact, I was quite proud of myself for having decided to go without her, and Alana's car breaks down. Murphy's Law.

Fine, I decided I would skip it instead. It wasn't that big of a deal. I spent all of Friday night trying to minimize it in my head and make myself feel like I didn't want to go and I wasn't missing out. Epic fail. I still wanted to go and on Saturday morning when I woke up I was still pouting around my apartment and feeling pretty upset about not going.

Just after lunch on Saturday, I hop on Facebook and Lindsey is online, which is great because I happen to know she doesn't have plans for Saturday night. In fact, I've been trying to text her since Friday night, but not getting a response. Turns out, she left her cell phone at Seneca.

So, I message her and see if she's available to go, which she is after some convincing, and a promise to leave at a reasonable hour, namely 11:30 or midnight. My mood significantly improves, sure I don't get to dance until the birds start chirping, but I get to go out for a bit. Lindsey and I head out and get our hair done, have some supper at Sushi & BBQ and trek over to Cherrybomb to have some drinks.

Let's backtrack for a minute.  Some time after Lindsey decided she would come, E texts me and I let her know that Alana had canceled. She was super supportive and suggests that I go alone, but I have to admit, I'm just not there yet and I wouldn't have gotten through the door. I probably would have been able to get myself down there, and I might have even gotten as far as getting my ID checked, before I bailed out.

There are a few reasons for this, firstly, when I was showing up, I knew it was going to be quiet and it would be pretty obvious I was there on my own and a little uncomfortable. I would have felt the same about this at any bar or event, gay or straight. I just find this situation very awkward.

Secondly, if something went horribly awry, I would want to know that I had someone there to bail me out. I don't know what I thought would go so wrong, but there is a part of me that insists upon preparing for all eventualities.

Last, but not least, I found the thought of being around so many people who are really comfortable with who they are, while I'm still trying to work things out, a little overwhelming. It makes me feel like they would take one look at me and think that I'm faking. I don't know why. This probably warrants some further analysis, but that's for another blog.

Anyhow, Lindsey and I get down there, get through the door and sit down to have a drink. Well, I had a drink, she wasn't drinking because she didn't want to get too caught up in the merriment and forget that we had to leave at midnight so that she wouldn't be too tired for Lost on Sunday, but I digress.

So, we sit down and I have a drink or two, and eventually a better table a little closer to the dance floor opens up and we move over there. We sit and watch and she is finally convinced that this is actually a lot of fun and she isn't nearly as uncomfortable as she expected to be. She admits that she is having a good time and that it's really comfortable here. I laughed when she said it, because I would have left with her if she was that uncomfortable, I just needed help getting through the door and getting through the part of the night where it's quiet and no one is dancing yet.

The music picks up, and all of a sudden a song we both know is on, and it seems that everyone else knows it too, because the 8 people on the dance floor, suddenly becomes 70, and it's enough that we can blend in and have a good time. We get up and dance. The next 45 minutes is all songs that we can sing along to, or that we've heard before at the very least, and we're having a great time.

All of a sudden, I notice some girl looking at me, with a big silly smile. She has sort of been dancing in the general vicinity of Lindsey and I, with a friend of hers, for a few minutes and we've all been having a great time so I don't really think much of it.

I barely have time to blink and she's dancing with me. I feel like a 14 year old writing this because dancing is just dancing and I shouldn't think anything of it, so I calm myself down, and keep dancing. She's cute, not really my type, but I can see the appeal. I figure we'll just dance for a bit and both move on, so no big.  We talk a little over the music, she says, "I love how tall you are." I laugh and say that the heels help, and smile.

E texts me to see what I'm doing, and I let her know that I'm dancing, having fun and that all is well.

Flash forward about half an hour. We're still dancing together, and this is when she decides that she wants to kiss my neck. Oh, okay. I've missed something here. I step back a little, and she steps towards me and grabs my hands to put them on her waist, as she turns around to face away from my, she pulls one of my arms up and across her chest. At this point I start to get really uncomfortable, luckily she is quite short, and I'm quite tall in the heels. So, I shoot Lindsey a look over her head, and Lindsey asks if she can borrow me to go to the washroom. I smile and apologize and say that it was nice dancing with her, and we go sit on the pool hall side of things.

Lindsey laughs, and says, well even if she's not your type, you still did better than me this evening. I have to laugh too, because I expect to be the invisible girl in the crowd, and maybe I'm not. That's exciting. We have another drink and head home.

I get home, and E and I text back and forth a little before I pass out. I missed her at the bar, because she would have caught that I was a little uncomfortable much faster, but it was also good to go and kind of work it out for myself. I think if I wanted to go and there was no one around, I could probably go down by myself. I think I would go later in the night, and I would still be nervous, but I would survive, and that's the main thing. It's sort of a nice feeling to realize that.

I have one more interesting story from this weekend, but that will have to wait until later because this girl hears her aunt starting the BBQ, and that means it is time for me to start making dinner.

When you ask tough questions...

Please understand that you make me feel really safe, safer than I have in a long time and that is scary for me. It makes me want to be honest with you about my past and who I was, to let you know what I've really seen.

I don't tell anyone these stories. I may mention in passing, to explain a reaction, but I never give the dark details. I don't tell the stories because they hurt to hear. I don't because people don't look at me the same.


I appreciate that you haven't been asking me a lot of questions, and you've been letting me tell you things at my own pace. I know that it can be difficult to deal with some of who I am, because you don't know the back story. We've talked about it. I know that you don't need or want it.  You don't want the full back story just yet, and I don't want to subject you to it unnecessarily.

Sometimes, when we're discussing the odds and ends of our lives, I talk about people, and I can see you cringe. I think it's because you can probably read me well enough by now to know that they aren't really how I describe them, and that I'm giving you the sugar coated version.

You remind me now and again that after a month, the stories I have to tell are a little much, and I know that. I hesitate to tell you too much of it because I get nervous that you'll run for the hills, or that I'll cry.

I'm hesitant to tell you any of it, because it makes me want to tell you all of it and none of it all at once.

You said that you have a list of words in your head, a thought cloud of things that you expect that I'll tell you about one day.  I'll try to keep the information to small doses, both for your sanity and mine, but please remember that I'm always honest with you, and that sometimes when you ask tough questions, the answers aren't pretty.

On Remembering Where You Stand

It's always a bitch when you realize you're upset about something that you have no right to be upset about.

I'm laying here in bed, really upset over how tonight went, not because I didn't have fun, but because I forgot for a split second where I actually stood.

Casual isn't a bad thing at all, it's probably what I need and E is probably right, but just the same I had gotten used to her being there when things that I felt like a big deal had happened, or afterward at the very least. So, tonight when D and I wandered off into the Village like grownups, all on our lonesome and had a few drinks, and she met us afterward, I sincerely had a hard time when she went home to her place after. The part of me that looks for her to talk to about things, or to get a little validation from her was hurt.

I know that we were out with people from work. I understand that even though they "know" there is a certain safety in plausible deny-ability, for us and for them. I fully realize the position we are in and that we are both up for promotions in the near future, which could be jeopardized by this coming out.

I even know that it isn't personal, and that she wasn't trying to upset me at all.

I know that she is going through a particularily ugly break up right now, and that my very existance makes it no easier.

I have no illusions of granduer of this ever working out into something more.

Still, lesson learned. Don't forget, even for a second, where you stand and what your place is, because if you do, you've got no recourse. You have no right to be upset.

If you spend enough time with someone...

... eventually the conversations get really interesting.

The people you spend a lot of time with in any given moment will eventually start to ask you some really mind blowing questions.

We all do it. We ask each other the questions that we think the other person should be asking them self. We do it because it helps us understand, and because the ensuing conversations are usually very revealing. Obviously, I've just had a few interesting ones asked, otherwise I wouldn't be writing.

E just asked me if I picture my life with a women, or just sex.

At first, my response was really clear.  I picture my life with a woman.

Let's just sit with that for a second. I'll say it again.

I picture my life with a woman.

...

Okay. Ready now? Good. It took me a second to grasp that one too.

Ready for the part that will really take you some time to wrap your brain around?

I always pictured my life with another woman.  I pictured a house, a girl, a dog and maybe a kid or two, and it didn't for one second register with me that I wasn't picturing a guy.

I'll give you another second with that.

It never occurred to me that I wasn't picturing my life with a guy.  I saw what I was picturing as so normal that it didn't warrant me sitting up and taking notice. It was just a subconscious thing that I've always thought about, without thinking about. 

Do you need just one more second? I needed a few.

E and I are texting back and forth today, just chatting and she's trying to figure out where I'm at on things. She is asking me questions to make me think about where I am at and challenge my thinking, and there it is.

I never, not for one second, pictured my life as settled down with a guy. I was engaged to and lived with a guy for several years, and never once did I think that he and I would be together forever. I didn't see him as the love of my life, and didn't ever expect that we would truly settle down.

Apparently, for my whole life I have pictured myself not with a guy, but with a very tom-boy type of girl.

E's response? "Talk about an eye opener."

Point taken.

Relax

After giving yesterday's post some further thought, and getting some feedback on it, one thing became painfully clear. I get caught up in what's going on in my head, working out every possible outcome for every situation and forgetting that a vital part of life is remembering to act. Part of life is letting go of all the thoughts spinning around in my head, taking action and letting the chips fall where they may.

I showed my blog to E yesterday for the first time and picked a few specific entries for her to read. We talked a fair bit about some of the stuff I had written and she said something I found interesting. She said that I was more articulate in my writing than I am in person. That she had expected me to be as scattered when I write as I can be in person, and that she was surprised to find that it wasn't the case.

Most of what I write is knocked out on my laptop, usually with no revisions, and submitted to the blog within about 30 minutes of when I start writing. I usually just hit the spell check button and then the post button, and call it done.

As she continued reading the blog, there was a moment where she asked me a question about it, and I absolutely panicked. I physically panicked. There was a full on fight or flight response. It took me a while to explain it to her, and in hindsight I did a fairly poor job of it initially. I tried to explain that I felt challenged on the content, and I didn't like it, but that really wasn't the issue.

When I got home, I gave it some more thought and really I think it comes down to another issue. I second guessed myself.

She wasn't challenging me. She wasn't asking me to justify anything I said. She wasn't attacking me or asking me to make myself smaller to fit into what she expected of me. All she was doing was asking me to clarify and expand on something I had said, and I had a knee-jerk reaction to her being in my space.

I put all of myself on here. I am more honest with myself here than I have been able to be anywhere else. I write to work a lot of things out, because in this space I can make decisions. In this space there is no room for second guessing, and instinct and congruence with who I really am override all else. In this space, you take me as I am or you get the heck out of my space.

It wasn't that I didn't want her there, because I had invited her in. An invitation to read my blog is equivalent to me laying a welcome mat out at the entrance to my brain.

I wanted her here, but her being showing up, reading and having this information and this honesty from me makes me feel really vulnerable. It's scary.

She can read me pretty well, and I'm not used to that. I'm not used to someone wanting to know what I'm really thinking and feeling, and not just as a casual observer. I am putting a lot of faith and trust in her, and it means I have to trust my instincts, that she is a safe sounding board. Putting this faith in her means that I need to put faith in myself. It means that I need to trust, be honest, and most of all, it means that I need to accept that it is safe for me to relax.

Breath

As it turns out, this foray into dating women isn't as easy and straightforward as I had hoped. I expected that it would be an easy transition because of my past. I thought it would go off without a hitch. The universe, however, has conspired against me and proven to me yet again, that I shouldn't walk through life with expectations.

I always seem to get caught up somewhere between what I want, and how to get there. Right now, in this moment, I want to date women. I have no interest in dating guys. 


What I'm struggling with is the fact that I feel like I need to learn a whole new set of rules, because I never really dated other girls. 

Actually, to be fair, I never really dated at all. I had a few good guy friends over the years that I was basically friends with benefits with, and the more I give it any sort of thought, the more I realize that there was no real connection with them on a relationship level. We were basically scratching an itch. The truth is, I have no idea how to date whether it is men or women. 

I'm left with all of these things that I wonder, and no real answers. I have been trying to express where I'm at, and have started four or five blog entries, but nothing is coming out coherant or cohesive right now. All I've got is a thousand questions in my head. I've come to a place where all I can do is express the questions and let them breath a little. 

I wonder whether what I'm actually having a hard time with is the fact that I want to have more with a girl then I've ever really wanted with a guy.


I wonder whether much of my past can be explained by the fact that I always liked girls, and never really explored that beyond occasionally sleeping with them. 


I wonder whether blaming my history and track record with guys on the fact that I should have been with women all along is a cop out.


I wonder whether that matters.


I wonder what kind of girls I like.


I wonder whether my family will really be as okay with all of this as I think they will, or whether it's wishful thinking on my part. 


I wonder why people blame my interest in women on the fact that I've had some very violent and negative experience with men in the past few years. This one upsets and frustrates me to no end.

I wonder why anyone who has known me since high school has a very "Yup, that makes sense." response, and anyone who has known me just within the last four or five years has a "Wait, wait... what? Didn't see that coming!" response. 

I wonder if I am really too old to be figuring this all out. 

I wonder why I feel like everyone will assume it is a phase, regardless of the fact that they don't seem to.

I wonder why I get so nervous going to the Village, and why it is so comfortable all at the same time.  


I wonder if all the insecurity that is coming to the surface right now has always been there, and whether addressing it and how I see myself will have as big of an impact on my life as everyone expects.


I wonder why I don't see myself the way other people see me, no matter how many times they tell me that my perception of myself is in-congruent with who and how I actually am.


I wonder how I will fit in the community, and if I will find my place in it as quickly as I'm told I will, or as slowly as I expect that I will.

I wonder why it's only taken about three weeks for my anxiety about going into the Village to go from an 11, all the way down to a 3.


I wonder whether the girl at the bar last night saw me too.


I wonder if I will be accepted because I'm discovering that I'm super girly.

I wonder whether my family already knows, and is just waiting for me to spit it out.

I wonder whether I'm bi or just straight up gay.  

I wonder why this feels like home, in a way that I can't even express.

I wonder if all of the change in my life in one moment is a good thing, and whether I'm strong enough.


I wonder why I always seem to have so many questions.


I wonder why I'm the kind of girl that needs to process.


I wonder whether what I write off as processing, is really just me making myself smaller, more socially acceptable, having my opinion conform to what people expect, and reconciling myself to being that person.

I wonder whether I should make a conscious effort to stop taking all this time to process, and start just living it and figuring it out as I go.


I wonder why I didn't figure this out before.