On Remembering Where You Stand

It's always a bitch when you realize you're upset about something that you have no right to be upset about.

I'm laying here in bed, really upset over how tonight went, not because I didn't have fun, but because I forgot for a split second where I actually stood.

Casual isn't a bad thing at all, it's probably what I need and E is probably right, but just the same I had gotten used to her being there when things that I felt like a big deal had happened, or afterward at the very least. So, tonight when D and I wandered off into the Village like grownups, all on our lonesome and had a few drinks, and she met us afterward, I sincerely had a hard time when she went home to her place after. The part of me that looks for her to talk to about things, or to get a little validation from her was hurt.

I know that we were out with people from work. I understand that even though they "know" there is a certain safety in plausible deny-ability, for us and for them. I fully realize the position we are in and that we are both up for promotions in the near future, which could be jeopardized by this coming out.

I even know that it isn't personal, and that she wasn't trying to upset me at all.

I know that she is going through a particularily ugly break up right now, and that my very existance makes it no easier.

I have no illusions of granduer of this ever working out into something more.

Still, lesson learned. Don't forget, even for a second, where you stand and what your place is, because if you do, you've got no recourse. You have no right to be upset.

If you spend enough time with someone...

... eventually the conversations get really interesting.

The people you spend a lot of time with in any given moment will eventually start to ask you some really mind blowing questions.

We all do it. We ask each other the questions that we think the other person should be asking them self. We do it because it helps us understand, and because the ensuing conversations are usually very revealing. Obviously, I've just had a few interesting ones asked, otherwise I wouldn't be writing.

E just asked me if I picture my life with a women, or just sex.

At first, my response was really clear.  I picture my life with a woman.

Let's just sit with that for a second. I'll say it again.

I picture my life with a woman.

...

Okay. Ready now? Good. It took me a second to grasp that one too.

Ready for the part that will really take you some time to wrap your brain around?

I always pictured my life with another woman.  I pictured a house, a girl, a dog and maybe a kid or two, and it didn't for one second register with me that I wasn't picturing a guy.

I'll give you another second with that.

It never occurred to me that I wasn't picturing my life with a guy.  I saw what I was picturing as so normal that it didn't warrant me sitting up and taking notice. It was just a subconscious thing that I've always thought about, without thinking about. 

Do you need just one more second? I needed a few.

E and I are texting back and forth today, just chatting and she's trying to figure out where I'm at on things. She is asking me questions to make me think about where I am at and challenge my thinking, and there it is.

I never, not for one second, pictured my life as settled down with a guy. I was engaged to and lived with a guy for several years, and never once did I think that he and I would be together forever. I didn't see him as the love of my life, and didn't ever expect that we would truly settle down.

Apparently, for my whole life I have pictured myself not with a guy, but with a very tom-boy type of girl.

E's response? "Talk about an eye opener."

Point taken.

Relax

After giving yesterday's post some further thought, and getting some feedback on it, one thing became painfully clear. I get caught up in what's going on in my head, working out every possible outcome for every situation and forgetting that a vital part of life is remembering to act. Part of life is letting go of all the thoughts spinning around in my head, taking action and letting the chips fall where they may.

I showed my blog to E yesterday for the first time and picked a few specific entries for her to read. We talked a fair bit about some of the stuff I had written and she said something I found interesting. She said that I was more articulate in my writing than I am in person. That she had expected me to be as scattered when I write as I can be in person, and that she was surprised to find that it wasn't the case.

Most of what I write is knocked out on my laptop, usually with no revisions, and submitted to the blog within about 30 minutes of when I start writing. I usually just hit the spell check button and then the post button, and call it done.

As she continued reading the blog, there was a moment where she asked me a question about it, and I absolutely panicked. I physically panicked. There was a full on fight or flight response. It took me a while to explain it to her, and in hindsight I did a fairly poor job of it initially. I tried to explain that I felt challenged on the content, and I didn't like it, but that really wasn't the issue.

When I got home, I gave it some more thought and really I think it comes down to another issue. I second guessed myself.

She wasn't challenging me. She wasn't asking me to justify anything I said. She wasn't attacking me or asking me to make myself smaller to fit into what she expected of me. All she was doing was asking me to clarify and expand on something I had said, and I had a knee-jerk reaction to her being in my space.

I put all of myself on here. I am more honest with myself here than I have been able to be anywhere else. I write to work a lot of things out, because in this space I can make decisions. In this space there is no room for second guessing, and instinct and congruence with who I really am override all else. In this space, you take me as I am or you get the heck out of my space.

It wasn't that I didn't want her there, because I had invited her in. An invitation to read my blog is equivalent to me laying a welcome mat out at the entrance to my brain.

I wanted her here, but her being showing up, reading and having this information and this honesty from me makes me feel really vulnerable. It's scary.

She can read me pretty well, and I'm not used to that. I'm not used to someone wanting to know what I'm really thinking and feeling, and not just as a casual observer. I am putting a lot of faith and trust in her, and it means I have to trust my instincts, that she is a safe sounding board. Putting this faith in her means that I need to put faith in myself. It means that I need to trust, be honest, and most of all, it means that I need to accept that it is safe for me to relax.

Breath

As it turns out, this foray into dating women isn't as easy and straightforward as I had hoped. I expected that it would be an easy transition because of my past. I thought it would go off without a hitch. The universe, however, has conspired against me and proven to me yet again, that I shouldn't walk through life with expectations.

I always seem to get caught up somewhere between what I want, and how to get there. Right now, in this moment, I want to date women. I have no interest in dating guys. 


What I'm struggling with is the fact that I feel like I need to learn a whole new set of rules, because I never really dated other girls. 

Actually, to be fair, I never really dated at all. I had a few good guy friends over the years that I was basically friends with benefits with, and the more I give it any sort of thought, the more I realize that there was no real connection with them on a relationship level. We were basically scratching an itch. The truth is, I have no idea how to date whether it is men or women. 

I'm left with all of these things that I wonder, and no real answers. I have been trying to express where I'm at, and have started four or five blog entries, but nothing is coming out coherant or cohesive right now. All I've got is a thousand questions in my head. I've come to a place where all I can do is express the questions and let them breath a little. 

I wonder whether what I'm actually having a hard time with is the fact that I want to have more with a girl then I've ever really wanted with a guy.


I wonder whether much of my past can be explained by the fact that I always liked girls, and never really explored that beyond occasionally sleeping with them. 


I wonder whether blaming my history and track record with guys on the fact that I should have been with women all along is a cop out.


I wonder whether that matters.


I wonder what kind of girls I like.


I wonder whether my family will really be as okay with all of this as I think they will, or whether it's wishful thinking on my part. 


I wonder why people blame my interest in women on the fact that I've had some very violent and negative experience with men in the past few years. This one upsets and frustrates me to no end.

I wonder why anyone who has known me since high school has a very "Yup, that makes sense." response, and anyone who has known me just within the last four or five years has a "Wait, wait... what? Didn't see that coming!" response. 

I wonder if I am really too old to be figuring this all out. 

I wonder why I feel like everyone will assume it is a phase, regardless of the fact that they don't seem to.

I wonder why I get so nervous going to the Village, and why it is so comfortable all at the same time.  


I wonder if all the insecurity that is coming to the surface right now has always been there, and whether addressing it and how I see myself will have as big of an impact on my life as everyone expects.


I wonder why I don't see myself the way other people see me, no matter how many times they tell me that my perception of myself is in-congruent with who and how I actually am.


I wonder how I will fit in the community, and if I will find my place in it as quickly as I'm told I will, or as slowly as I expect that I will.

I wonder why it's only taken about three weeks for my anxiety about going into the Village to go from an 11, all the way down to a 3.


I wonder whether the girl at the bar last night saw me too.


I wonder if I will be accepted because I'm discovering that I'm super girly.

I wonder whether my family already knows, and is just waiting for me to spit it out.

I wonder whether I'm bi or just straight up gay.  

I wonder why this feels like home, in a way that I can't even express.

I wonder if all of the change in my life in one moment is a good thing, and whether I'm strong enough.


I wonder why I always seem to have so many questions.


I wonder why I'm the kind of girl that needs to process.


I wonder whether what I write off as processing, is really just me making myself smaller, more socially acceptable, having my opinion conform to what people expect, and reconciling myself to being that person.

I wonder whether I should make a conscious effort to stop taking all this time to process, and start just living it and figuring it out as I go.


I wonder why I didn't figure this out before.

Spring Cleaning

Very few of you will ever see my apartment.
I am usually hesitant to let even good friends into my place unannounced and will cancel plans if I can’t get organized in time because my apartment is usually a mess. I am terrified by someone seeing the mess my house is in, and I’ve recently realized that my apartment is a reflection of my mental state.

Right now, my apartment is a total mess.

I don’t actually dislike cleaning, contrary to popular belief. I find it rather relaxing when I’m good and ready to do it, but I usually have to get into the right head space to work on it.

I tend to leave it until I have no further options, or when it affords me the opportunity to procrastinate on something that I enjoy less than cleaning. If my apartment is a reflection of my mentality, does anyone else see an issue?

There are times when my apartment is so bad that you’re not getting through the front door, even if you have a fire hose, and my kitchen is ablaze. This is generally a pretty good indicator of the fact that I’m trying to avoid dealing with something, and sometimes it can take a pretty long time for me to be prepared to deal with whatever it is, but I am more than willing to let you believe that this is because I’ve been working too much to take any sort of care of my place, but usually that’s a boldfaced lie.

It has a lot more to do with the fact that mentally I’m a mess. It means that I’m trying to work things out in my head, and either I’m under a fair bit of pressure, stressed, or otherwise trying to cope, and all my energy is tied up in that.

For the record, I hate it when my apartment is like this. It stresses me out more than most people could ever understand; only further compounding whatever stress I’m under until I have only two choices, of either shutting down completely, or bucking up and dealing with it.

Right now, I’m in the process of attempting to do some work on the apartment, and give it a look. I want to get it organized and actually decorated enough to look like a grown up apartment. It would be nice to have a place that actually looks like I’m not a college student.

This, of course, means that I have a lot of cleaning to do, but it’s the kind that lands you on your hands and knees for the better part of a day to make any sort of progress. This also means that it is the kind of cleaning that makes the mess worse, much worse, before it gets better and the scary part about the process is that it comes with addressing a lot of underlying stuff.

Here’s to spring cleaning!