On Remembering Where You Stand

It's always a bitch when you realize you're upset about something that you have no right to be upset about.

I'm laying here in bed, really upset over how tonight went, not because I didn't have fun, but because I forgot for a split second where I actually stood.

Casual isn't a bad thing at all, it's probably what I need and E is probably right, but just the same I had gotten used to her being there when things that I felt like a big deal had happened, or afterward at the very least. So, tonight when D and I wandered off into the Village like grownups, all on our lonesome and had a few drinks, and she met us afterward, I sincerely had a hard time when she went home to her place after. The part of me that looks for her to talk to about things, or to get a little validation from her was hurt.

I know that we were out with people from work. I understand that even though they "know" there is a certain safety in plausible deny-ability, for us and for them. I fully realize the position we are in and that we are both up for promotions in the near future, which could be jeopardized by this coming out.

I even know that it isn't personal, and that she wasn't trying to upset me at all.

I know that she is going through a particularily ugly break up right now, and that my very existance makes it no easier.

I have no illusions of granduer of this ever working out into something more.

Still, lesson learned. Don't forget, even for a second, where you stand and what your place is, because if you do, you've got no recourse. You have no right to be upset.