One dimensional

Sometimes I feel like a fairly one dimensional person. A lot of the time I get seen that way.

There is a lot going on in my life right now, including the fact that I'm realizing pretty quickly that I'm gay, and sorting out everything that goes with that, not seeing my family because I work two jobs, trying to pull together my apartment into some sort of reasonable and presentable setup so that it's okay for me to have company over, trying to eat right and go to the gym and look after my health, and my dog, and help out friends with different things that they need, and have a social life, and, and, and. I'm overwhelmed. Period.

Here's the thing, when I get overwhelmed I tend to pick one thing to focus on, one thing that is within my control and work on that. Right now, that thing is actually my job.

It's very frustrating because there is a lot more to me than just work, but I love my job and I'm very committed to it right now, because I want to move up within the company. I am really trying to put the effort in now, so that in a few years I will get the rewards. Because of this I've been referred to as a workaholic. I don't think that it's a bad thing to like and be committed to my job, but I can understand why it could be frustrating too.

Obviously E works with me, in case y'all missed that. That's all well and good, except that we're on opposite shifts, we see things different ways and we pick different battles to fight. She says that she thinks I'm very black and white at work, and that I want things my way or no way. She tells me I have opinions about everything, and that I make sure everyone hears them. She worries that I'm dangerous at work because I'll stop at nothing to put my plans into motion.

It hurts that she sees it in such a negative light. It makes me feel ashamed of wanting more than just staying in communications, and it makes me feel like if I do get the job it would be for all of the wrong reasons. It makes me wonder if everyone sees me the same way, and if I really got to move up, whether people would expect me to fail. 

I suddenly feel like I'm doing myself a huge disservice by knowing what I want out of this. I have been really happy with this company so far, and in the last week I've thought about quitting more than once, because it makes me so uncomfortable that I'm seen as aggressive instead of competent, and that it is perceived that I'm pushing my agenda rather than having input that could actually be useful.

I take my job very personally, I like the company, I like the people I work with, I would go to the mat for the members of my team, and I really do try to support them, and now I spend a weekend finding out that that's not what people see. It just hurts.

I put in a lot of effort with the job, and it is the one thing in my life that I feel like I have any control over at the moment. It consumes a lot of my time and energy, and I think about it in my off time. I put effort into doing the leg work, doing the training, putting together a plan for things that I think are important, for programs I believe in, and for things that I honestly want to see improve.

I talk about work because I want feedback. I talk about work with women mostly, and I make every effort to discuss and get feedback from women who I have a lot of respect for within the company, and outside it also.

I grew up with a lot of women in my life who are focused on business, and now E is in the fold of women whose opinion actually matters to me.  The fact that I debate with her about things gets her back up, because she thinks that I'm arguing, and I don't know how to explain it to her. We both take it so personally that things can get heated, but I actually enjoy talking about it with her because she sees things so differently than me. It's strikes me as odd that she sees me as a shark, when she is a shark too. If she wasn't, I wouldn't want her opinion. Part of why I like her, is because she's a shark too.

So, yeah, I talk to much about work and spend too much time focused on it. It's what I have to hold onto right now. It's my safety net. It makes me sad that E and I can't talk about it, because that was nice. We'll go back to having other things to talk about, but she'll probably still have to remind me to not talk so damned much about work.

Does that make me one dimensional?